NEW YORK--Spokespeople for famed Manhattan socialite Paris Hilton report that the three-time heiress was rendered Thursday to an undisclosed, offshore shopping haven known as a "blackshop." "It was an ambush...we were overwhelmed instantly," admitted Fred Luchia, Hilton's tearful head of security. "I'd say six, maybe seven well-trained guys, dressed in black Prada, head to foot, balaclavas [...]. She was zipped up in a Gucci body bag and gone before we knew what happened." (full story)

MAR VERDE--Like residents in many coastal counties in this affluent area of northern California, local store-owner Dwight Henrikson was surprised to discover Thursday morning that the local sheriff's office had been inexplicably abandoned. "I got a call yesterday to come down to the station to give a witness statement," observes Henrikson, "but when I got here, nobody was around. The lights were on, the doors were opened, coffee was brewing, but the place was empty. It was eerie." (full story)

ATLANTA--The Centers for Disease Control announced Wednesday the results of a decade-long "meta-study" of more than 75 years' worth of medical and scientific cancer research, concluding that "the hypothesis best supported by extant research is that the soundest predictor of whether a patient will have developed cancer is whether the patient has developed cancer." "The most striking finding of the study is not that cancer causes cancer," explains Dr. Betty Rind of the CDC's special task force, "but that cancer doesn't always cause cancer. It's a key factor--probably the key factor, but it's not decisive." (full story)

MOUNTAIN VIEW--Information search giant Google, Inc. announced Thursday the release of Google Body, a search service aiming to index the internal and external anatomy of every living creature on the planet. "Google has long been dedicated to making information both useful and universally accessible," notes Google VP of Product Development Eric Hind. "We're happy now to extend search to information about human bodies, mine and yours, inside and out, from the number of follicles on my head to the length of the President's toenails." (full story)

RIVERSIDE--City and county fire officials admitted Thursday that 14 of the reported 22 skyfires burning in and around Riverside county remain untamed this evening. "Crews continue to work through the night," explains Fire Chief Lacey Birnier. "I'm told that some 400 homes have been damaged or destroyed, and that another 1,200 are threatened. Our people know what's at stake, and, to the man, not one has faltered. The next 24 to 48 hours will determine whether these fires can be contained." (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--Futurefeedforward is proud to announce the availability of the second chapter in the chronicle of its rise to power. In this chapter, the company's GC, one Satchel Pincher, makes a spectacle of himself, but to what purpose? We sat down with Mr. Pincher to discuss his new-found fame. (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--Temporal services and research start-up Futurefeedforward announced today the availability of the beta version of the first chapter from the eponymous chronicle of the company's rise to power and economic splendor. (full story)