CHICAGO--The most recent edition of the American Medical Association's Guide to Pediatric Health published Wednesday recommends that all children under the age of eight receive a series of reactive, low half-life tattoos containing essential preventative health information. "These guidelines aren't just about delivering vital health information," explains Dr. Raymond Tritness, co-author of the recommendation and Director of the Insurance Industry Association's medical malpractice working group. "They're about using information to intervene proactively at the moment a child might engage in risky or unhealthful behavior." (full story)

WALTON, OH--Officials of the Wal-Mart Corporation announced Thursday the opening of Walton Township, a company designed and managed subdivision on the outskirts of Cleveland, Ohio. Walton, the first of three Wal-Mart communities scheduled to open this year, introduces residents to the company's new 'all you can live' consumer goods subscription service. "Beyond its quality environment and top-notch municipal services, Walton represents our first serious foray into flat-fee provision of consumer products," explains Michael Elmoere, Wal-Mart VP of Intra-Regional Logistics and First Regent of Walton Township. "It's a 21st century horn-of-plenty, all for one no-fuss monthly fee." (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--Citing what Northrop Grumman engineers have identified as a flaw in specially designed navigation software, spokespeople for the Presidential Cabinet confirmed late Wednesday that the 53rd President of the United States, the first entirely autonomous, mechanical, airborne leader in the western world, has crashed and is likely unrecoverable. "This is a black day for America," noted a solemn administration spokeswoman. "But it may also be a day of great courage. The American people took a great leap forward when they elected [the President]; may we not now retreat from that great vision." (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--In the first of several planned state and federal initiatives designed to attract and retain qualified citizens, U.S. government officials announced Friday the launch of a special program managed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture guaranteeing U.S. citizens a lifetime supply of boneless, uncooked white-meat chicken. "We're very proud today to fulfill a legendary promise to the American people," exclaimed USDA Deputy Director Tracey Lapoole. "A chicken in every pot, today, now, for every American, and forever more." (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--In the most recent issue of the Proceedings of the Archivist of the United States, a crack team of historians led by Harvard Professor Emeritus Ruth Ascidy announced the conclusion of a sixteen year study of the 43rd U.S. President during which the team determined "to a degree approaching absolute historical certainty" that "the 43rd President of the United States was not, as supposed by some popular conspiracy theories, George W. Bush." (full story)

NEW YORK--Representatives of the National Association of Securities Dealers unveiled on Friday plans for a nationwide, electronic exchange specializing in the sale, bundling, tranching and swapping of attention and attention-based derivative instruments. "We're very excited about the possibilities of the attention market," notes NASD Executive Director Francine Yenk. "The [exchange] will enable real-time trading on multiple scales and will introduce to the attention market unprecedented regularity and liquidity." (full story)

INDIANAPOLIS--Officials from the Consumer Protection Division of the Indiana Attorney General's office revealed Monday that a recent spate of consumer goods shortages and price spikes in the state are the result of "aggressive, opportunistic and potentially criminal" purchasing and investment activities conducted by an unknown number of "autonomous, intelligent trust investment vehicles" active largely in the Indianapolis and Bloomington areas. "We'd like to assure the good people of Indiana that we're taking the necessary steps to curtail inflationary speculation by these trusts," announced Indiana Attorney General Bernhard Hearty. "Prices will return to normal; life will return to normal." (full story)