AUCKLAND--Eccentric software trillionaire Larry Ellison sank earlier today in deep waters off the New Zealand coast during practice sprints for this year's America's Cup. Safety officials immediately organized a search, but hold out little hope of discovering and raising Ellison in time to avoid irreparable damage. "The seas are just too rough to mount a sufficiently rapid recovery operation," explained Royal New Zealand Coastguard spokesperson Greta Oz. "From what I understand, many of his vital systems cannot withstand more than a few hours of submersion at that pressure. We have been transmitting warnings about severe seas for the past week, but Mr. Ellison chose not to heed them." (full story)

NEW YORK--Officials for the World Health Organization announced today the funding of a special initiative dedicated to discovering improved treatment and diagnosis of Bovine-Derived Tofuiform Encephalopathy (BDTE), more commonly known as Mad Soybean Disease. "Though confirmed cases of BDTE have not been many in number, their global distribution, coupled with the widespread consumption of bovine-derived soy products, is a matter for prudent concern," explained WHO spokesperson Wilfred Inkling. (full story)

PHOENIX--Microsoft today unveiled its latest effort to ensure that the Web is accessible "everywhere through everything" and that versions of its Windows operating system become "ubiquitous and necessary, like the air we breathe." Speaking to a skeptical audience at CUEC (Conference on Ubiquitous and Environmental Computing), CEO Steve Ballmer revealed that Microsoft has acquired rights to the legendary Colt brand and has a custom version of Windows for Handguns currently in beta testing. (full story)

PALO ALTO--In December, three of the top five U.S. ISPs plan to install new software to reduce the risk that their customers will be exposed to libel and gossip liability for content that they post. The software, developed by Black Hole Skunkworks, a joint venture of Stanford University and a consortium of newspaper and publishing multi-nationals, screens all user-generated content, alerting posters to possible legal liability for dissemination of libelous or gossipicuous information. (full story)

LUND, SWEDEN--Cutting-edge bioengineering and 20th century nostalgia are equally represented in a new line of products from Toyboy Factories. Humites(TM) and Humites Environs(TM), both new for the holiday season, include cadres of miniature, human-like creatures, each about the size of a fingernail. Consumers can keep their Humites in one of the elegant bookshelf or coffee table Environs Toyboy markets, and care for them with a range of Humite Foods and accessories. (full story)

LOS ANGELES--Three short years after its controversial decision to stop selling albums and to focus exclusively on the marketing of licensed packaging, Sony Music reports that revenues from the sale of liner notes and associated packaging exceed those generated by sale of its music catalog. "At the time, the heads of all the Majors thought that we were crazy," explains Sony A & R Chief Herb Iki. "But it was just that they refused to see the way in which the industry was developing. We realized pretty quickly that music, because it's really just bits, was destined to be free; but packaging, that's something we know about, and something we can sell." (full story)

NEW YORK CITY--The recent arrest of former suicide artist Bran McGeady has galvanized suspicions in the suicide art world that the genre has become too popular to be effectively monitored for fraud and forgery. The recently celebrated McGeady was discovered by NEA officers during a routine serial-number trace of pawned audio and video equipment in Fairfield Outer-Borough. "Apparently he pretty desperately needed to raise some funds," explains Sergeant McNee Tracey. "It looks like his replacement identity wasn't well-capitalized, so he pawned some of the Endowment equipment he had taken into hiding with him." (full story)